My Snarky Pregnancy: First Reactions
Oh, pregnancy. The happiness and overwhelming joy of growing a new, tiny human… is massively misrepresented. There are so many incredible, weird and life changing parts of pregnancy that I am only just beginning to experience but I'm already realizing that the real honest, snarky truth is missing from many baby-growing narratives. So I'm going to share my gassy, cynical, profanity-laden opinions with the world.
The pregnancy test comes back positive and you squeal with joy. Or you don’t. The amazing movie moments of either total fear or utter happiness might be the case for some. Maybe it was unplanned and you have never been so fucking scared in your life. Maybe you have been trying for ages and it is the best news you have ever heard. Either way, I discovered one key fact that no one seems to tell you. You very well may experience some serious feelings of regret, then guilt, then fear, then regret.
I sound like an asshole. I completely understand that. I know that so many people are struggling to get pregnant, are trying their damn hardest to get those swimmers or those ovaries to somehow work in sync to make the miracle of childbirth a reality. In no way do I intend to mock that or diminish that hardship in anyway, but I will be honest about my anxiety. Call it antenatal depression, call it a hormonal freak out or just a natural response to suddenly realizing that your whole world just totally exploded.
Before telling my husband, I was pleasantly numb. Floating around in my “won’t it be fun to tell Michael?” world. There was something satisfying and distracting about being able to reveal the big secret… and then load the entire burden of my hormone-filled, terrified, regret-laden, sobbing disaster self on him. YAY! Welcome to fatherhood, daddy to be!
My amazing reaction was something along the lines of “What the fuck were we thinking. This was the worst idea ever! Isn’t it supposed to take longer? I want to drink wine! I’m not ready to get fat. Fuck.” Amazingly, once I started chatting with some of the amazing resources I have including doulas, family, friends and even a spectacular prenatal counsellor, I realized that, holy shit. I am not a huge asshole. In fact everyone experiences at least a glimpse of this reaction at some point of another. Phew.